How to cope with separation anxiety as a parent

As any parent knows, leaving your child for the first time can be incredibly emotional. Whether you're returning to work, dropping your child off at school, or even just leaving them with a babysitter for a few hours, separation anxiety can strike both you and your child. 

While the focus often falls on children’s anxiety, many parents also experience deep emotions when separating from their little ones.

In this article, we’ll explore the nature of separation anxiety, its symptoms, and effective strategies to manage it for both parents and children.

What is separation anxiety?

Separation anxiety is categorised as a type of anxiety disorder. While it’s common to encounter feelings of sadness and even distress when being separated from a loved one, separation anxiety disorder occurs when those feelings don’t go away or become more serious.

“Separation anxiety is a common co-occurring diagnosis along with generalised anxiety disorder, PTSD, panic disorder, social anxiety disorder and personality disorders,” shares Holly Williams, Psychologist and Founder of Child Psychology & Assessments.

However, while it is commonly associated with children, it can also affect adults, particularly parents who have to leave their children for work or other reasons. It's often overlooked, but it’s a very real, valid experience that's a natural response to the strong bond parents form with their children.

Separation anxiety symptoms

Separation anxiety can show up differently in adults and children and understanding how these symptoms present themselves can help identify and address the issue effectively.

 In adults, separation anxiety can look like:

• Persistent worry about your child's well-being when you're apart.
• Difficulty concentrating on tasks due to constant thoughts about your child.
• Intense guilt about leaving your child, even when it's necessary for work or other responsibilities.
• Physical symptoms like headaches or stomach aches when anticipating separation.

In children, separation anxiety can look like:

• Excessive crying or tantrums when a parent prepares to leave.
• Clinginess and refusal to be left with other caregivers or attend school.
• Complaints of physical discomfort such as headaches or stomach aches.
• Trouble sleeping alone or fear that something bad is happening to their parents.

What triggers separation anxiety in adults?

The triggers for separation anxiety in parents can vary, but some common factors include:

• Returning to work: According to the Real Working Parents Report 2024, almost 2 in 5 (37%) revealed they felt anxious about returning to work after having a child, while close to 1 in 3 (31%) felt stressed, 3 in 10 (30%) felt guilty, and 1 in 4 (25%) felt sad. The idea of being apart for extended periods can be overwhelming, especially if you’re worried about your child’s adjustment.
• Life transitions: Major life changes like moving to a new city, starting a new job, or your child starting school can amplify separation anxiety. These transitions often come with uncertainties that heighten emotional responses.
• Personal attachment styles: Parents who have a strong emotional bond with their child or who are naturally more anxious may be more prone to experiencing separation anxiety. This is especially true for first-time parents who may not have experienced this type of separation before.
• Relationship with parents: According to Holly Williams, “There are theories that suggest that relationships with our own childhood primary caregivers influence our attachment style in relationships in later life. For example, a child who has developed an anxious attachment style with their primary caregiver can be influenced by this attachment style in their intimate relationships as they get older.”
• Past experiences: If a parent has previously experienced loss or trauma, these past experiences can resurface as anxiety when separating from their child.

Practical tips to overcome separation anxiety as a parent

Before continuing, we need to recognise that separation anxiety isn’t limited to parents alone. Grandparents, guardians, and other caregivers who have strong attachments to children may also experience similar feelings. The strategies mentioned below can be adapted to suit your roles and responsibilities, ensuring that all caregivers are supported during times of separation.

Managing separation anxiety starts with recognising that it’s a normal part of parenting and caregiving. Here are some practical strategies Holly suggests that may help ease the anxiety for both you and your child:

• Establish a routine: Consistency is key in helping both you and your child feel secure. Having a predictable daily routine is beneficial to mental health in a variety of ways like alleviating anxiety and stress. For example, having morning or evening routines can help to make things more predictable and therefore less anxiety-inducing.
• Recognise anxiety signals: The first step in being able to manage anxiety symptoms is to recognise the signals that your body is sending you to alert you to act. Common signals include shortness of breath, tightness of muscles, ‘butterflies’ in the stomach, sweaty palms, etc.
• Practise mindfulness: Practising mindfulness can assist in shifting the mind and body to a more calm and grounded state. Ensure that you practice these skills regularly when you are not feeling stressed so that you can more easily access these techniques when you are anxious. There are plenty of mindfulness techniques like breathwork, muscle relaxation, mindful listening and mindful eating.
• Take time for self-care: Consider whether you are taking good care of yourself and making enough time for things like relaxation and hobbies, regular meals, quality sleep, exercise and social interaction.
• Stay positive: Children often pick up on their parents’ emotions. If you project calmness and confidence, your child is more likely to feel the same. Try to stay positive about the separation, focusing on the benefits for both of you, such as socialisation for your child and self-care for yourself.
• Seek support: If separation anxiety is affecting your daily life, seek support from a therapist or counsellor. They can provide strategies tailored to your specific situation and help you manage anxiety more effectively.

Tips for making school drop-offs anxiety-free

School drop-offs can be particularly tough for both parents and children. We reached out to psychologists Becky McDonald and Dr Mandy Godwin from Early Start Australia, who provided us with a few tips that may help to make the transition smoother:

• Prepare your child in advance: Talk to your child about what to expect at school and emphasise the fun activities they’ll be doing. Familiarising them with their schedule can help reduce the fear of the unknown.
• Normalise emotions: It’s important to acknowledge your child’s feelings rather than dismissing them. Try saying something like, “I can see you’re feeling worried right now, and that’s okay. Sometimes we all feel worried about new things,” which can help your child understand that their emotions are valid and nothing to be ashamed of.
• Arrive early: Arriving at school early allows your child to acclimate to the environment before it gets too busy. They can have some quiet time to settle in, reducing the chances of feeling overwhelmed.
• Encourage independence: Gradually encourage your child to take small steps toward independence, like carrying their own backpack or choosing what to wear. This builds confidence and helps them feel more in control.
• Avoid lingering: Prolonged goodbyes can make it harder for your child to separate. Once you’ve said goodbye, it’s important to leave promptly. Trust the teachers to help your child adjust after you leave.
• Praise and reinforce success: After a successful drop-off, praise your child for being brave and talk about how proud you are. Positive reinforcement can build their confidence for future separations.
• Be consistent with attendance: Ensure your child attends school regularly. Consistency helps them adjust to the routine and understand that school is a normal part of their day.
• Create a post-drop-off ritual: Plan something enjoyable for yourself after the drop-off, like a walk or a coffee, to help you cope with your own feelings of anxiety.
• Separation anxiety is a common and natural part of the parenting journey. By understanding its causes and implementing effective strategies, both you and your child can navigate these emotions with confidence and ease. Remember, it’s okay to seek help and to take steps to care for your mental health just as you would for your child.

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